sacrifices

bluepsilon84 (10:13:51 PM): random but am curious

(ex-boyfriend1) (10:14:04 PM): about what?

bluepsilon84 (10:14:16 PM): did u like the sex? really the part botu takin the dick

(ex-boyfriend1) (10:14:46 PM): I didnt like takin dick I jus like pleasin u

(ex-boyfriend1) (10:14:54 PM): sacrifice..

bluepsilon84 (10:14:56 PM): lol

bluepsilon84 (10:14:59 PM): aww

(ex-boyfriend1)(10:15:08 PM): yea

I went back and forth with the arguement when it comes to man on man sex and being the receiver of the dick versus the giver...is it pleasure or a sacrifice..or maybe a thin balance between the 2? Why was I in love with this kid(ex-boyfriend1)?... because all he wanted to do was to please me and all i wanted to do was please him in return. Digressing but I asked myself the question for the hundredth time again today and the fact is it's definitely a sacrifice on my part..but that in end is pleasure because I'm pleasuring my partner. I tried to take dick like a pro for probably the first maybe second real time a couple days ago. Honestly,it was a lil painful at first but the pain subsided and tho it wasnt pure pleasure( i have at one point felt a sum sort of sensation that def comes close-thats a whoole other story) but seeing the reaction i was getting was what was giving my pleasure out of it. Ive got to give myself credit i really stayed on it for a while and we were moaning and everything(hope the neighbors didnt hear). I guess i can now stop looking for an answer and now selectively do it with the choice of doing it knowing it may be be physical plesure but the pleasure comes if that connection is there. Guess there is a connection.."Tarik"..smh w/ a smile. I'll end this post with this piece of conversation..

(random friend1) (7:58:12 PM): .....the first time

(random friend1) (7:58:19 PM): ..did you really like it

bluepsilon84 (7:58:30 PM): i dunno

bluepsilon84 (7:58:36 PM): was def diff

(random friend1) (7:58:42 PM): ;lol

bluepsilon84 (7:58:44 PM): a dick in ur ass is a weird feelin

(random friend1) (7:58:54 PM): ...it is

bluepsilon84 (7:58:57 PM): was the moment really

(random friend1) (7:59:06 PM): its like a shit that never ends

Near Death Experience...

Feels good to be finally home…alot can happen in a week. Still scared to know what could have happened if I didn’t go to get X-rays the day after my fall. I call this my near death experience only because if things ended up any worse, I honestly saw no other point in my existence. Glad to feel almost normal again. As most of you may or may not have heard almost weeks ago I had an accident tumbling auditioning for the Knicks tumbling team. I did and old trick just to warm it up trying to perfect it again…ended up over shooting it and fell out of it with my neck taking the full impact. Knowing nothing of the damage and thinking I could shake off the pain by the next day. Wednesday morning i woke up with the same pain and with some encouragement I went to the ER at Elmhurst Hospital to make sure there wasn't any serious damage. Well..as soon as I got my X-ray 's done and was waiting in the hallway for a doctor to 'brief' me, the head technician comes back out to me and whispers in my ear "I'm not to supposed to say anything but whatever you do make sure you keep that neck brace on and don't move". Course that’s the most exciting news you could ever want to hear lying on a stretcher in a hospital. Well the doctor finally made his way out to me and my mother as says I dislocated the vertebrae at the base of my neck and in doing that damaged all 3 parts of my spine making it very unstable and if I didn't have surgery to re-align it I would eventually be paralyzed from the neck down. I thought about if to exclude this part of the experience but to paint a better picture of everything I went thru in those few days I’ll continue. Before the surgery I agreed to try a procedure called ‘traction’…they normally suggest this with situations like mine. Traction involves a ‘U’ shaped clamp of sorts and a pulley system with weights that they attach(as in they make small holes on the sides of your head and screw bolts in) to your head in an attempt to stretch the vertebrae as an to assist to help them re-align themselves. They tried that method on me and it helped a little but the majority of the worked needed to be done in the operating room. The operation itself took 8hrs and I was out cold for all of it until they slid me into my bed in the Intensive Care Unit. Along with traction, another experience I never want to go thru again was the insertion of breathing tube. Without going into too much detail, they had to do it while was half awake because of the type of injury I had..I don’t like random shit like that going down my throat and there’s a reason it took them 40min with me fighting back half conscience to knock me out/make it happen. Errr the "catheter”..I still twinge at the thought…another experience I’ll be happy never to have again (ill let you guys google that one). It’s amazing how quickly your body adapts to situations in such a short amount of time. It took me a couple days of small steps and eventually a slow stroll around with people holding my hand for support all to regain my confidence in walking because my body got so comfortable being immobile for 4 days. I had to regain my trust/surety in my balance in taking each step. And there’s something both depressing but mind boggling about spending an hour and a half sitting just trying to pee…I had to sit there and let my body figure out to use the right muscles to make it happen (had a Kill Bill moment). There were a lot of experiences I had in such a short amount of time I never want to experience again. And through all this I learn some crucial things about myself including my incredibly strong determination and high tolerance for pain(God knows what I dealt with) Fact is, no one can go through what I did and not walk away with changed outlook on things. And after damn near paralyzing myself..I’m happy to be healthy, alive and walking on my own power. Bit of rambling on my part but some thoughts I needed to get out of my head. Life is too short and you only get one shot at it..might as well make it count.

Read on..

Was talking to the ex today..really just chit chat but def made me feel a certain way..mind you we are pretty much opposites there is that side of me that wish i was more a part of that world..regardless of any obstacles we are in control of our destiny and the choices we make do have consequences..

food for the soul

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.'

That was ...

We do things and think things and when it all falls apart we try to blame this person and the next when it really boils down to being our fault.

CAtching Feelings..

Still feeling some kinda way for this kat... I try not to date or get to attached to people unless they really are just friends..not like it's a bad thing but the feelings are definitely sitting in my mind..its better to have loved and lost..yeh sure whateva i guess

All About Me..

I was gonna do a classic intro of myself but fuck norms and standard procedures. I got disinterested in ranting about myself and figured you'll get a better idea of the real me through my posts but here is how I was gonna start it off:

"Where to begin? Well, first off I wasn't born here in good ole New York. If the accent or lack one doesn't clue you well there are some other things that will. I was born and raised in Barbados till i was 8 years old and moved up here to Queens, New York where I still live. I live with my mother, grandmother and more recently my cousins (that's another somewhat stressing story I will get into at some point). Life in Barbados, though similar, is much different from life here in New York. Having British roots most aspects of the island including peoples views and attitudes are very traditional and because of the size of the island very 'small townish'. Education is very important to most everyone on the island and its 99.7% literacy rate can attest to that. The talk of the town was always who's child passed what test with such and such a score and made it into what school; it was always a competition and you would be punished for not trying to be better and making that top one or 2 spot. I love my mother for the fact that as strict and hard as she was on me with the constant yelling, pleading and pushing me, she was also pretty progressive and encouraged me to be myself and be happy. I started school when i was 2 years old (basically as soon as i could pee and tie my own shoes alone) and as young as that might seem that is prime time to teach a child anything you want them to remember for life. I went to a religious school so while they taught us regular lessons and had a religion class, every thing was especially christianity centered. Was good i guess, i learn a lot of stories and values I still hold onto today even if my faith isn't anywhere near what it used to be. With all the classes they taught they focused on teaching us to communicate and reason at higher levels than most kids are pushed... so i am not sum prodigy but i do have a highly adaptive mind and can pick up most concepts mental or physical as soon as its given to me (blah blah blah I'm kinda smart). Moving on...my mother worked at an airline ticketing agency called CDS whle in Barbados; one major perk was discounts on tickets for any airline so she would travel around the Caribbean and to the US and Canada alot and take me along with her. We would go shopping in Puerto Rico and St Martinique, New York, DC and Canada as well as visit family. It was cool although i really dont remember much of it. When I was 6 my aunt and uncle wanted me to visit them and since my mother needed some time to make a transition I ended up staying with them for a year on a military and thats where i offically lost my Bajan accent. Kansas was an experience that shaped most of my memories and where I experienced a lot of firsts; my first life and near death experiences.
To get one depressing story out of the way I experienced my first real winter in Kansas and it was nasty it was so bad I caught pneumonia and had a seizure that put me in the hospital. It was a cold day and I didn't feel like wearing this big dorky snow suit my aunt got me so i took it off on the walk home from school. I felt fine walking home but soon as i got home i remember feeling tired so i went upstairs layed down and passed out and guess thats when i had the seizure..kinda remember my aunt waking me up and taking me to the hospital. I spent that whole nite there while they did different tests and kept me under observation. I had a history of seizures and used to have them since i was born..to combat them i had to take a huge spoonful of medicine everyday till i was about 5 or 6. The doctors said I was pretty lucky because as bad and prone to them as i was, I responded well to the medicine and didn't suffer any brain damage (well none i know of). But yeh, that was the last and worst of the seizures but I was back home but the next day.."

But yeh in a nutshell theres alot to me..i've seen alot, been through alot, i do alot and want to do alot with more my life(enough 'alots' for ya??). Constantly working through some changes in attitude and thought needed a place to store some of the excess.